I think we all have insecure features as humans. As I'm watching one of my favourite shows Glee eating some Oh Henry! chunks, I tend to understand why I loved the show. The growth, the openness the characters were with each other. This show always lifted my moods when I'm upset. It's artistic expression brings me to feel ways that I don't understand.
You see, I don't care about many likes I get on my photo. Many times I see people on snapchat or twitter putting a post to like their photo they posted. Just another selfie with the same pose, what's new about that? But you see, I wasn't asking verbally to get likes on my photos. I was just desperate to see how to get those likes without showing my ugly self in it.
So lets get this straight. Since elementary school, I considered myself ugly. I felt very insecure. Nose too big, can't smile great and one eye lid is lower than the other making me look like I have a drooping eye lid.
I had trouble talking to girls because I had the thought they were not be interested because of my looks. It kept happening even in high school. I was never into taking photos of myself because of how I looked, I use to wear sun glasses in every webcam photo I took. I even tried to use my laptop to take a photo with me posing with my sister's Sony Ericsson mobile phone making it look like I took it with her phone. Yes, I was either in grade 9 and 10 with a crappy Nokia flip phone that could store 5 photos and 3 songs in my phone storage.
I even tried to change the filter to black and white with low brightness to make the photo be likeable. Just got 4 likes.
I think I wore my shades on top of my actual eye glasses in this photo, oh well.
Then of course, I tried to make myself look cool by wearing a plain shirt and use a hat making myself look cool... I think many guys even today still do it.
This problem of mine kept persisting even when I went back to church and started to become my high school's street preacher. I saw on social media many guys I followed getting 50 likes, even 100... I just don't understand how those guys who like to play with those girl's hearts actually get many likes just from a selfie with good lighting and good angle to show their good side. I started to get more serious in weight room class and bulk up. I even begged my mom to buy me some brand clothes to look like I got more style, aha.
In the end, I received many likes on this photo. I got like the prettiest girls who follow me to actually like it. I felt like I found $20 on the floor.
Filter always making it better. Pretty much 30 likes on this photo.
Then I realized this wasn't worth it. I got all these likes and a few comments and yet I still felt insecure... I still felt ugly. I tried to read articles, read verses and quotes but I felt like I wasn't receiving any good news.
I'm a christian so I'm not going to say I'm perfect but I can admit I don't have it together and I need someone to give me encouragement. God my father my brother and best friend gave me the exact words when I asked him why I was created like this.
Do I really want to get all these messages from girls because they like me because of my appearance, waste my time and delay the calling of the girl who I believe I should be with? That's not worth it. Not worth hurting girls or being hurt by girls even though I receive pleasure. Because 15 minutes of pleasure is not worth a life time span being with someone who liked you not just for your looks but also for your personality.
I can truly understand why I was created the way I am and that's for a purpose. A purpose for myself and everyone in my life that I have and will encounter.
Now, I really don't care how many likes I receive on my photos. I'm already happy. I don't need to base my happiness through the amount of likes or even from someone.
We all need to base our happiness through something eternal. If we base it on something temporary, our happiness will be temporary.
22 years and I can honestly say artistically and emotionally that I'm awesome becoming who I am.